You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
