im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
What happened to fro yo and sex?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
