to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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