She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
