I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
This is my gift to your gina
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
