Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
