she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
