Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
