I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
