just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
