I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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