I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
