Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
