My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
