Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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