Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
