Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
