think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
