There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
