you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
