he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
