i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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