those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
