I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
