Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
