I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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