All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
