Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
