I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
