The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's official drugs can't kill me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
