"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
