oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
