Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
