Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think my vagina is haunted
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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