My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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