shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
