You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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