We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
