I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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