your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
