did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
