dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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