I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
