just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
