I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
