people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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