yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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