I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
