wrigley field is MILF paradise
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
