Where are you?
In a non slutty way
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
