did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
