I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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